How to cope with the absence of friends. The only reason you have no friends People who are not subject to the laws of evolution

There is no doubt that we need friends, and communication provides certain benefits in life. However, scientists do not eat their bread in vain and consider the obvious points from a scientific point of view. In order to dot the i's, a study was conducted to get an answer to one simple question: does communication really help a person feel happy?

Unexpected results of the experiment

The observation was carried out on 15,000 people aged 18 to 28 years. The participants in the experiment lived in areas with different population densities, which is why they could communicate with their friends at different intervals. The results somewhat surprised the team of psychologists, but at the same time, the data obtained gives us good food for thought.

There were three main findings

Evolutionary psychologists Satoshi Kanazawa (London School of Economics) and Norman Lee (Singapore Management University) came to several conclusions. First, people living in densely populated areas feel less satisfied with life. Secondly, to feel happiness, most of us strive for constant communication and close connections with friends and like-minded people. And the more points of contact between people, the livelier the topics of conversation, the more complete the satisfaction. And there is nothing extraordinary about this.

Scientists were struck only by the third conclusion. It turns out that people with high intelligence are the exception to the second rule. An intelligent person does not need constant communication with friends, colleagues and like-minded people. Intellectuals report less satisfaction with life when they are too socially active.

People with a high level of intelligence have a narrow social circle

The brain of an intelligent person is structured differently from that of the average person. This can leave its mark on everything, including the desire to communicate. According to scientists, life is difficult for intellectuals, while they (intentionally or not) are placed in their own isolated and cramped little world. Some of us will never accept or understand this, but for people with above average intelligence, social activities can be comparable to a burden or even a necessary evil.

Most geniuses are loners

It is difficult to get along with a person who places too high demands on others. This is why most geniuses are loners. Only a select few are given the opportunity to accept and understand all their amazing features. In addition, for an intelligent person the topic of communication is more important than having a friend. He will never pursue quantity at the expense of quality and feels great, even if no one in the whole world understands him.

Precious time is used to achieve long-term goals

What do you do with your free time? Many of you are happy to devote your weekends to your favorite hobbies or socializing with friends. The intellectual has a completely different goal. He is not used to resting or spending time idly; this person strives to realize all the potential inherent in him by nature. He uses most of his free time to realize long-term goals. Intellectuals find their happiness not in communicating with people, but in professional activities. And they can't afford not to have good results.

Interaction with people often distracts from the process

Does a doctor working on a cancer vaccine need communication? Of course no. The same can be said for a writer who methodically creates his best novel. The work of these people is aimed at the final result and depends only on their knowledge, intuition and inspiration. Well, interaction with other people often distracts intellectuals from hard work. They get irritated when external influences can break their inner harmony. And this negatively affects the feeling of happiness.

People who are not subject to the laws of evolution

Our distant ancestors, who emerged from the African savannah, settled in small communities of 150 people each. They were forced to stick with each other to survive in a hostile environment. Currently, this evolutionary feature is also manifested in the conditions of a large metropolis, when people prefer to start families, close friends and just good acquaintances. A formed social circle gives a feeling of happiness and comfort. However, an intellectually developed person relies only on his own strength in this life. He feels confident in himself, even if there is not a single friend nearby. This personality can adapt to any conditions and has long ceased to live according to the laws of evolution.

I am always so sad when I read letters from readers who describe how lonely they are. They do not have a circle of friends, they cannot make friends, although they really want to. And they walk in some kind of closed circles - the worse it gets, the greater the despair, the stranger the behavior, the more everyone shies away from them, the more difficult it is to make new friends.

And sometimes it is at least clear what a person is doing wrong - he sits and waits by the sea for the weather, complains, or somehow behaves inappropriately, demands from people things that are generally not worth expecting or demanding from anyone. But there are others who write what they tried, what books they read, how they analyzed their experience. And you think - well, this is an active person, he doesn’t sit still, he tries to see himself from the outside, he tries normal things. Hard to understand, Why can't he do it?

But here are two things I noticed that slip through the vast majority of such questioners.

And these are not even two separate points, but two sides of the same problem.

Firstly, they somehow not very correct imagine what friendship is.

Secondly, they imagine it strangely, they do not find the required number of friends necessary to make it easy to be friends with them.

I once asked people how many friends they had. Meaning real friends. Just friends, friends. Few named more than three. Many people say that there is not a single real boyfriend or girlfriend. Moreover, among the respondents there were a huge number of people with a very vibrant social life. They have a lot of friends, they meet with them, chat, call each other, go to the movies. In general, they do everything that the authors of letters in the style of “I’m all alone” dream of.

And when you start corresponding with these lonely people who really want to find someone, they very often complain that “Well nooo... you know, I don’t mean such superficial just friendly relationships - I want to find a friend! Here a true friend! Not a stranger, but a friend!”

And then they list what they want to do with this friend, that is, roughly speaking, Why do they need this friend? And then it begins: “Go to the movies, chat, discuss hobbies, adventures, children, films, books, go to the gym, go dancing...” And it turns out that there are only one or two true friends, he’s real, there are few of them. What do they want to do with him? that's all listed.

But in fact, look at these real friendships, at those whom people call their true friends. This very rarely the person you do things with All.

Well, one thing, some interest, usually you share it with a friend. Or a couple. But a good friend is not at all the person to whom you constantly tell all your affairs, with whom you go everywhere, and spend all your free time! In general, I don’t know many people who could be friends like that. After all, people have their own lives.

Take a closer look at everyone who has friends and lives life to the fullest, having as much communication as they want. How long do they see their real friends? How often do they call back? Not so much, it turns out. True, a true friend is really something special. You talk to him maybe once a month. But if something really serious happens, where you need serious help, support, trust, he will be one of those you can ask. Who will help with something like that, which people do not do for everyone.

But... again. These people who have no friends and supposedly don’t know how to make friends (or don’t have much positive experience in this matter) - look at what they list when you ask “what can you do only with a friend.”

The very first thing everyone says is “have a heart-to-heart talk.” This is the first mistake! You can have a heart-to-heart talk with so many people! And it is necessary! Not just with your one and only best friend!

It will become easier! Get some advice! You will hear opinions! Maybe you will understand a lot yourself and sort it out for yourself, trying to explain it to others. Not only friends, but also many friends, even not particularly close ones, are suitable for a “heart-to-heart talk.” Not counting psychologists, strangers on the Internet, and some one-time encounters - on a train or in a bar. I'm serious!

And some people think that everything depends on Topics. And about sex, for example... or about family problems... But in reality - yes, easily! You know how many strangers They have already talked to me about their sexual problems! In the first 10 seconds you are surprised, and then you realize that the person just decided that we might be interested in talking about this. And he has a problem that occupies him. So he took it and talked.

And about my brother in prison, and about my alcoholic mother, and about the son of a robber - who hasn’t complained to me! Very often on the first day of dating! Or over a shared cup of coffee for the second time in your life! And you don’t need 25 years of preliminary friendship for this! And you don’t need to dump everything you need to talk about on one or two only friends! Have pity on them. Working as the only vest for someone is hard! Anyone will get bored. Especially considering the fact that if someone has a problem, they want to talk about it often and a lot. So - talk to different people. It will be easier for everyone and no one will run away because he is sick of this topic.

Or here: help. Even a neighbor can help with something very simple. Now, if someone’s house burned down and right now the whole family has nowhere to sleep, the first people asked for help are close friends, yes. But to help you move cabinets during a move, or to give advice on how to defeat some software and set up email, you don’t necessarily need your closest friend. You can ask a colleague, a friend. Yes, actually, even here - at least the entire Internet, anonymously.

In general, what I mean is that people mentally imagine this “close friend” as such an outlet for all occasions. And they would like to find such a universal outlet - find two and do everything with them. And they, realizing that they are the only ones in the world, quickly run away. Because no one wants to answer for even the most pleasant “hobby” with their whole life and all their time.

Make these friends many and different! Let someone go to the cinema with you only once every six months. If you have 20 of these people, you will go to the cinema with someone often! Don’t place the entire burden of responsibility for all your happiness on one person at once. And if five out of thirty do not have time for you for a year, your world will not collapse!

Friendships are overrated. In the sense that they are trying to cram too many “responsibilities” into them, which no person can bear on his own.

And friendships are underestimated. Because people “looking for a friend” for some reason believe that a friend is no one at all. And if not the closest friend, then it means “fi”.

But in life it is not like that. Sometimes there are many shades between the closest friend and cheerful friendly communication. And these best friends weren’t like that from birth either. At first they were colleagues, neighbors, friends. And then someone got closer to someone else and became stronger friends. No one can do this in 5 minutes.

And in the preliminary and intermediate stages between zero and the jackpot you can find a lot of happiness, wonderful conversations, real warmth, participation, love, the brightest moments in life. You just need to take what they give, with gratitude, and be happy about it. And not whine all the time that it’s not quite suitable, because in addition to this they didn’t immediately offer their hand, heart and keys to their whole life.

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The Internet is undoubtedly the greatest invention of mankind. Thanks to him, we have terabytes of information at our disposal. And also privacy and depersonalization, that is, the ability to do whatever you want online. Many people, to everyone's horror, took this as a call to action and began to do things that terribly infuriate others.

We are in website We have collected 10 types of people who are especially annoying on the World Wide Web. The traits of these characters can be hidden in any of us, the only question is how often we show them. And the last two types described in this article are usually the most infuriating.

1. Aggressor

• Motto: “Give me a reason to attack you!”

These people seem to go online solely in search of conflict, which is why they especially like topics about religion, politics, art, or parenting. They don't agree with you on everything and are ready to attack just because you don't share their point of view. They don’t give any reasonable arguments, trying to prick you as painfully as possible, finding any weak point.

• What to do? Don't get into conflict. Such people are real energy vampires; they are delighted with your rage. Don't give them such joy. Everyone has the right to their own point of view, but it is not at all necessary to impose it on others. In advanced cases, the problem is solved by the “Add to blacklist” button.

2. Sufferer

• Motto: “Everything is bad, but it will get even worse”.

To the question “How are you?” you will never hear “Okay” or even “Okay” from them. Such people will tell you in vivid colors that life is pain, prices are rising, children do not listen, the husband is a fool, health is in shambles and the whole world is against them. They will describe all their misadventures for a long time, without listening to your advice and not noticing your attempts to dodge the conversation in the spirit of: “Oh, my milk has run out.”

• What to do? Don't allow yourself to be a vest. Everyone has hard times, and you don't always have the best time either. But such people prefer not to solve problems, but to complain to everyone about the imperfections of the world. Value your time and nerves - offer them the services of an experienced psychologist.

3. Positive person

• Motto: “Life is wonderful, gentlemen, why don’t you smile?”

The complete opposite of the sufferer: with such people everything is always wonderful, they are constantly in a great mood, and it seems that a unicorn is about to jump out from around the corner and take them to the land of Fantasy. These people are so sweet and kind that they look like plastic dolls from the movie “The Stepford Wives.” They will write on any of your posts that the world is wonderful, and send you cats and butterflies to your feed.

• What to do? It's okay if it doesn't annoy you. Typically, such people try to pass off wishful thinking, and, according to the authors of the book “Words Can Change Your Brain,” Andrew Newberg and Mark Waldman, this practice has worked well. Be careful, though: Oscar Wilde wrote that he doesn’t trust people who don’t have a single bad habit.

4. Expert

• Motto: “And now I will teach you life”.

These people give advice about life left and right, even when they are not asked for it. They know everything: what hairstyle you should wear this season, which university to choose and how often you need to wash the kitchen hood. And everything would be fine, but these tips sound like hints at your stupidity and narrow-mindedness. Moreover, the “expert” will check whether you follow his recommendations. If not, wait for the storm. By the way, these people usually don’t know much about what they advise others.

• What to do? Listen, thank and do it your way. Such people usually use advice to increase their self-esteem, their sense of importance and significance for others.

5. Plagiarist

• Motto: “Oh, yes, half of the Internet content is my doing”.

Their profile is filled with quotes from great people, which they shamelessly pass off as their own. It seems that not a single message of theirs was written without using the Ctrl+C and Ctrl+V keys. They find more or less interesting materials and post them, without considering it necessary to indicate authorship. At some point in their album you find your drawing with the caption: “So I decided to experiment with paints.” However, they also collect compromising information. You never know.

• What to do? Do not post detailed descriptions of your plans and ideas online that others can “requisition”. Use copyrights, involve the public in the form of an online audience, write to a person if you doubt his honesty. By the way, on many Internet resources they make fun of plagiarists.

6. Fitonyashka

• Motto: “I declare the transformation into a superwoman open.”.

A healthy lifestyle, working out, eating right is all great, but if your social media news feed has turned into a “Fitness bikini in the women’s locker room” competition, it’s annoying. Moreover, they may also try to set you on the right path, scolding you for eating a pie after 18:00 and proving that a raw food diet is the choice of a reasonable person.

• What to do? Hide especially violent representatives of the war with folds from the news. Some are determined and, in response to attempts to recruit people into their sect, send photos of their mother’s cutlets. However, you can join their ranks, but please, without protruding butts and albums in the spirit of “Me and the Barbell,” “Me and the Exercise Bike,” “Me and the Protein Shake.”

7. Unrecognized genius

• Motto: " Who is the most beautiful and talented here? I!"

These people are sincerely confident that they are endowed with the most extraordinary talents and abilities, but the cruel world is not able to appreciate all their greatness and genius. They will bombard you daily with their creations - poems, drawings, guitar songs, photographs of street landscapes - demanding your approval and praise. And if you dare to notice that the “masterpiece” needs to be slightly improved, the “genius” will be mortally offended.

• What to do? Try to be objective, but not judge categorically. If you don’t want to offend your friend, just say that you are not a pro in this area, and advise him to find an editor/producer/investor and collaborate with them. And it’s worth remembering that there were great geniuses who were not appreciated during their lifetime. The same Van Gogh. Although it is unlikely that he showed his paintings to friends, demanding admiration.

8. Lykoman

• Motto: “Well, like it, please!”

The pathological dependence on approval and likes on social networks has grown to enormous proportions. Scientists are sounding the alarm: young people tend to measure the degree of their popularity and importance by the number of subscribers and “hearts”. And then you receive a message from a friend: “I posted a new photo from Egypt, will you like it?”

• What to do? It seems that the problem can only be solved by banning the pest. If one of your friends likes such things, we recommend that you do not write posts in the spirit of “I missed Warcraft at the cinema - I should watch it,” otherwise a short plot and an “expert” assessment will be waiting for you in the comments in 3 minutes.

Which of these types do you find most annoying? Or can everyone be understood and forgiven?

Friendship is one of the most important things in every person's life. However, just because you have no friends at all doesn't mean your life has to be miserable. Learn to cope with your situation by developing kindness and compassion for yourself. Also, learn to find joy in your solitude. Of course, loneliness can be a real challenge. However, by enlisting the support of others and developing a positive attitude, you will be able to overcome the lack of friends. Also, don't isolate yourself from others. Spend time where you can meet new people. Consider your new acquaintances as potential friends.

Steps

Coping with loneliness

Develop kindness and compassion for yourself. This means treating yourself with love, respect and kindness. Are you going through a difficult period in your life? Believe me, you are not alone. It is difficult to find a person who does not experience such feelings. Everyone experiences loneliness sooner or later. If you feel lonely, this does not mean that there is something wrong with you. In fact, this is what makes you human!

Accept your feelings. The feeling of loneliness is a painful emotional experience. However, it is important to accept this feeling rather than try to suppress it. Take time to analyze your emotions and feelings. Notice the lump in your throat, pressure in your chest, and empty feeling in your stomach. Thanks to this, you can move on to the next step - overcoming your feelings.

• If you can't stop crying when you're analyzing your feelings, cry. There is no shame in letting your emotions out. You will feel much better if you let go of your tears.
• Analyzing feelings and emotions does not mean that you need to go headlong into thinking about your inner feelings. Taking time to examine your feelings can help you overcome them.

1. Focus on achieving your goals. If you feel lonely, direct all your strength and energy towards achieving your goals. Are you dreaming of further education? Study hard and get good grades. If you want to travel, start saving money.

   Do what you enjoy. It is quite possible to enjoy being alone. The main thing is to do what brings you pleasure. Perhaps you enjoy writing, hiking, or drawing. Do what you like. Your mood will improve. In addition, you will be able to get to know yourself better.

   • Visit your favorite artist's exhibition. You may not like the idea of ​​having to go alone. However, when you come to the exhibition, you will not feel alone. You will meet many people who have something in common - a love for the paintings of a certain artist.

2. Spend time with your family. Your family members live under the same roof with you. They can be great friends, even if you don't think so at first glance. Spend time with your parents or siblings. Visit them as often as possible. You may think that they are of no use and cannot help you during difficult times in your life, but this is not true.

   • Create a new and fun tradition in your family, such as dedicating Friday nights to games. Don't forget the pizza!

3. Get a pet. Of course, animals cannot replace humans, but they can become true friends who can reduce stress and fill your life with meaning. You can adopt a dog or cat from your local animal shelter. Very often, pets help you find new friends! Sometimes animals act as a link in communication. Having a pet will give you an extra reason to go outside and chat with other pet owners on the street or in the park.

Find friends

Start the conversation first. Every day we are surrounded by many potential friends. However, we may experience fear at the thought of approaching a person and starting a conversation with him. Don't give up on your intention - you can do it! Take a deep breath and ask a stranger a question or comment on the situation you are in. People like to talk about themselves and their interests, so structure your conversation with the person by following this rule.

• For example, imagine you are standing in line at a grocery store. In front of you in the same line is a teenager playing on his smartphone. You could say, “You're doing great. What is the purpose of this game?
• Try asking an open-ended question that requires a detailed answer from the person, instead of a monosyllabic “yes” or “no.”
• An example of an open-ended question that requires a detailed answer: “You said that you like to ski. What do you like most about it?”

1. Look for opportunities to be in society. If you feel lonely or unsure of socializing with others, you may be reluctant to attend parties or similar events. However, these events provide opportunities to develop communication skills. Put aside your fears and worries and go to the party to which you received an invitation. Believe me, this is a justified risk. He will be rewarded with new friends!

   • Observe the people around you. This will make you like them even before you get to know them. In psychology, this method is called the simple exposure effect. Choose a place where there are people, such as a cafe, and spend time there. You can make friends with the employees of the chosen establishment or the regulars of this cafe.

2. Be a positive person when interacting with other people. People are drawn to those who radiate positive energy. Speak kindly of others. Gossip, although it can be interesting to others, actually interferes with the creation of strong friendships. Also, don't forget to smile! You will look friendly and nice.

There is no button on his page "To write a message", and if you try to write to him in a previously opened dialogue, an error appears: "You cannot message this user because it limits who can message them." What to do? How can I write to a person if he has limited messages, closed my personal account, or blocked me?

You can’t write to him directly. He did it himself, and there’s nothing you can do about it - it’s impossible to open someone else’s private message by force. Therefore, sending a private message will not work now. We need to think about other options.

Sometimes people write somewhere in the group: “Write in a personal message, in a personal message,” but they forget that their personal messages are closed (from everyone or only from non-friends). Most often, it is from non-friends: if you and this person are not friends on VKontakte, then you cannot write to him. Perhaps he once set this setting and forgot - after all, his friends calmly write to him, and he thinks that other people can too.

You can’t write directly, but there are other options.

Contact via group

If you are both in a group, try to find his comments there and write through the button "Answer". For example, write this:

Open a personal message, please.

Then he will see a notification about the answer and guess that they want to write to him in a personal message and cannot do it.

Add as Friend

Try adding the person as a friend. He may have changed his settings so that only friends can write to him. Go to his page and click "Add as Friend". In this case, you can attach a message in which you write the reason - for example, “Your personal account is closed. Please open or add as a friend." If he sees your application, he will react somehow (if he considers it necessary).

Contact a person through his friends

Go to the person's page and look at his friends list. If there is anyone among them whom you know, then write to him and politely ask him to pass on your message.

Contact in another way

If you really need to contact a person, but there’s no way to contact them via VK, then call them or write an SMS. If you don’t know the number, try to find it out through mutual friends. You can also look for him on other social networks and write to him there - instructions: Find a person on the Internet, on social networks.

Why is the PM closed?

Because the person went into his settings (everyone has them) and changed the rule of who he allows to write to him in a personal message. Sometimes it happens that he himself did not understand what he did, but more often it is done quite consciously. For example, yesterday you could write to him in a personal message, but today you cannot. At the same time, you are not his friend. So he could choose the option "Only friends". During the week you can still write to him, if you used to correspond, and then no longer.

A person could also block you if he doesn’t want to communicate with you. In this case, if you were friends, he removes you from friends, and then blocks you, and you remain only a subscriber. For you at first it looks like you can't write to a friend. This is his desire, try to treat it with understanding. If you still want to convey a message to him, re-read these instructions from the very beginning.

How can I get someone to unblock me?

If he doesn’t know how to unlock, then he needs to read these instructions: - everything is written there.

If he had a reason to block you and you want to apologize, find another way to contact him (). Ask for forgiveness and try to explain that you will behave politely, you will not pester him, and that your communication will not be unpleasant for him.